How to Drink Bourbon: Because It’s As American as Apple Pie and Embarrassment

mila-kunis-jim-beam

-THIS JUST IN-
Mila Kunis is drinking bourbon.  From the looks of commercials, she even might be helping to make it.  Awesome.

Gender neutrality in drinks is at the forefront of modern day feminism.

Well, that’s made up…

…but, it could be real.

What isn’t made up is that more women are ordering whiskey drinks, Scotch whiskeys, Irish whiskeys and bourbons.  It’s true.

Whiskey companies are shifting their marketing strategies and it seems like the “fairer sex” is beginning to smell just as bad as we are after a night of heavy drinking due to this trend.

“I don’t even know what sour mash is, but shit girl, you smell exactly like what I imagine a tub full of bar rags soaked in that crap smells like.”

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You can’t shower that off…
Now they know how you feel, and you no longer have to avoid ordering the stanky sauce when you’re out on the prowl!

You’re right Patricia Arquette, women deserve equal wages, labor equality and to feel exactly the same headache we feel after a long night of drinking brown liquor.
Thank you for bringing this up.
Maybe after this long awaited correction occurs, you could buy us a drink?

Just a thought…

Until that paradigm shift happens, how should dudes who are inexperienced with the amber potion maintain current social norms when out on a date?
As a guy, what if you haven’t been “man enough,” to order whiskey in the past? What do you start with now?
What if the little lady sitting across from you mentions she wants something with Grandpa’s cough medicine in it, right before the waiter comes? What could you recommend? What line of questioning will lead to a successful suggestion?
How do you maintain masculinity when a Manhattan comes “Up,” with a cherry in it, instead of on the rocks?
(You keep your pinky down, that’s how.)

Look, there are unwritten, written and downright unavoidable tidbits that every man, woman, and American should know about whiskey. Drinking it. Ordering it. And when to switch away from it.
For the purpose of this article, we’ll stick to Bourbon, and as my father would tell me when I was in the backseat of the family station wagon: “Follow me.”

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